Resolving Conflict; You Got This
Conflict is a part of life and happens in most relationships. When approached the right way it can lead to personal growth and can help to strengthen your relationships. Conflict can be a healthy part of most relationships and can be viewed as mostly normal. Conflicts occur when you disagree on something, and no one enjoys feeling attacked or belittled. Some conflict is healthy and normal but chronic conflict can lead to medical problems such as heart problems from chronic stress and anxiety that unresolved conflict can aggravate. Unresolved conflict also leaves most feeling depressed and anxious.
The Gottman institute, having conducted extensive research on conflict for over fourty years, placed conflict as occurring in four different categories. Three of these categories are healthy and one category is unhealthy. A style which is hostile in nature would be classified as an unhealthy conflictual style. These types of arguments spiral out of control into passionate arguements that tend to create an atmosphere of defensiveness. This unhealthy hostile style holds others in contempt and has an attacking quality about it. The past is dredged up, and there is a spirit of blaming in this unhealthy style and possibly some verbal abuse.
Those who engage in a healthier Conflict Style have the following characteristics:
They practice AVOIDANCE. They walk away from some arguements and choose their battles wisely content in the knowledge that not all disagreements need to be addressed immediately and that some are meaningless.
They are VOLATILE, and in this case the term is used positively in that there is an equilibrium in these discussions with a dose of humour and affection. Conflicts are resolved, with no left-over residual resentment.
They are VALIDATING being aware of each other's feelings and working together towards an outcome that is favourable for everyone. This style is highly empathic, able to put themselves in someone else's shoes and respectful.
There are many different sources of conflict. Some of them include the following:
-Different values concerning how to handle financial matters.
-Different parenting styles, some more lenient and flexible, others stricter and more rigid.
-Trust issues and suspicions about possible unfaithfulness or plans to do so.
-Division of labour when it comes to dividing household chores and responsibilities.
-Overuse of technology, being mentally absent and endlessly scrolling on social media and ignoring one's partner
-Communication breakdown stemming from inadequate skills that lead to unnecessary misunderstandings and catastrophic thinking and behaving.
-Problems with the in-laws. They may be well meaning but there are different views on family obligations from parenting to how often you should visit.
-Sexual interest and frequency may be different and lead to conflict and misunderstandings.
Belive it or not, most conflicts aren't even meant to be solved. This is according to research which shows that roughly 70% of conflicts aren't even solved or solvable. Only a small percentage of conflicts is actually solved at all. All the more reason to choose your battles wisely, walk away.
Beware of these four dysfunctional Conflict Styles:
Criticism: Be gentle and make use of "I" statements instead of "You" statements. Express how things make you feel, rather than solely placing the blame on your partner or whomever you are addressing.
Defensiveness: Take responsibility for your part of the conflict. Own up to it.
Stonewalling- Take a break, but if and when you can, say you're going to do so. For example, "I'm not ready to talk about this right now, I need to go for a walk for 15-20 minutes before I can talk about this".
Contempt: Don't patronize. Stay clear of negative habits such as being sarcastic, glaring at your partner, and becoming verbally abusive. These are all signs of disrespect.
Accept each other's differences. You are each unique individuals with your own personalities and can't agree on everything. If your values clash, say one is a neat freak and the other is more disorganized, try to come to a middle ground.
Communicate as clearly as possible so there is little room for misunderstandings. "Please let me know in advance, so I can make some plans as well."
Use the telephone to communicate or even better, in person face to face. There is too much room for misunderstanding in communicating over a text. You miss out on all the verbal expressions and body language that helps to understand how a person means what they are saying to you.
Listen as attentively as possible. Give them your undivided attention and wait a few minutes before answering.
Walk away for at least twenty minutes. Do something relaxing during that time such as going for a walk, reading a page out of your inspiring book, and knitting.
Show genuine interest. Ask questions to gather more information. "How did that make you feel"?
Set some boundaries such as no verbal abuse, no screaming matches. Set time limits on unresolved issues and take breaks.
Own up to your part in the conflict. This shows that you're willing to meet your partner halfway.
Make Amends. If you've hurt your partner, now's a good time to apologize and reestablish trust in the relationship. You are both working together with the same goal at mending this relationship.
If conflicts are leaving you feeling depressed and drained in your relationships, don't hesitate to reach out either through individual or couple's therapy. Be proactive and seek help now to avoid the crisis later.
HEALTHY STYLES ARE VALIDATING being aware of each other's feelings and working together
