Communication Breakdown; It's Called Blame

Skillful communication is at the heart of healthy relationships whether in the workplace or in your personal relationships.  If it was so easy, why do so many individuals, including couples, get it wrong and blame each other for everything?  This style of communication that relies heavily on "you" statements is counterproductive, creating an atmosphere of defensiveness and painful feelings.  This style of communication will prevent any feelings of closeness from developing and creates distance and distrust, the exact opposite of what healthy relationships are made of.  Healthy relationships are based on trust and respect and a partnership is based on cooperation, not a competition that ends in a power struggle where no one wins, one person wins and the other feels awful the other loses or both lose and feel miserable. The atmosphere feels heavy and strained, and everyone ends up on edge. Why would you want to put yourself through that type of grief?  Try to focus on the best possible outcome for everyone  rather than getting stuck at the level of the ego. Replace pointing fingers with what can we learn from this and make a change for the better.  This requires some reflection. It will also bring you closer together or create a more cohesive team.   

The Negative Effects of Blaming: 

Blaming increases anxiety and stress and leads to feelings of exhaustion 

Blaming chips away at self-confidence creating an atmosphere of self-doubt.  This affects the person being blamed feelings of self-worth. 

Blaming blocks all creative problem solving.  Problem solving in creative ways is uplifting and blaming stifles creativity. 

Blaming shuts down communication and creates an air of defensiveness. 

Blaming leads to feelings of depression as people who feel blamed start to feel powerless and like they're walking on eggshells. 

The transformation happens when the focus is placed more on problem solving and finding some happy middle ground and coming to a place of resolution.  This requires self-control, actively listening to your partner before immediately responding.  A helpful technique is to wait two minutes before responding to what your partner is saying.  That could feel like a long time if you are not used to doing this, but it will help to keep you calm instead of overreacting and interrupting your partner.  It will also prevent further anxiety and stress from rising.  When listening to your partner, actively pay attention to what they are saying without preparing what you will say in your head and not actually hearing what is being said.  This will inspire more trust and create an atmosphere of respect.  Avoid cutting your partner off while they are speaking even if you're convinced you're right and hear them out.  Do not start blaming them and making use of "you" statements which feel accusatory and attacking in nature.  Make use of "I" statements to get your point across.  This is much more effective than blaming, and your point is more likely to be heard.  Be gentle about it.  Differences are normal and you can't agree on everything.  Strive for open communication and state your feelings clearly. 

To prevent a situation that erupts in a blaming session, be clear when talking about the event or situation that is bothering you.  Avoid being subjective and emotional and making overgeneralizations such as, "you always..." Take a deep breath and give an example of what happened that hurt your feelings.  "Yesterday I was talking about something that happened at work and you changed the channel and started talking about what was going on on the sports channel, I felt unheard and ignored". 

Instead of blaming, be specific and clear and again, make use of "I statements".  " I feel belittled when you use that sarcastic tone".   

Try to focus on the exact problem that you are trying to solve instead of focusing on their character or personality traits that are irritating you.  This will help you to avoid overreacting, blaming, and saying hurtful things that you'll regret later and didn't mean to say.  Be proactive and discuss ways to prevent this issue from resurfacing and finding realistic solutions to the problem.  This is a much better approach than blaming, which as we have seen is dysfunctional in nature.   

Practice mindfulness and meditation.  This can help you stay calm and develop more compassion and avoid blaming your partner.  A gratitude meditation that helps to anchor you in the present moment is also helpful to avoid bringing up past mistakes and being at peace in the present moment.  It also keeps you humble, which prevents the ego from getting in the way and trying to win arguments at all costs through blaming.  

Acknowledging that you have the habit of blaming others is the first step to making a change.  Being on the receiving end of constant blame is draining you of all energy and leading to feelings of depression.  If blame has or is affecting your life and your relationships negatively, don't hesitate to reach out for therapy.

Blaming shuts down communication and creates an air of defensiveness.